Sharing Financial Statements… Sort Of!

Written by Barbara Huson

I sent him my blog the moment it was posted… the one about sharing our financial statements before he moves in. I made him read it while still on the phone. I was nervous for his reaction. After all, I was putting him, and our relationship, in the (kind of) public eye. His response was typical of a man with high self esteem.

“This is great,” he said and meant it.

“So,“ I said taking a deep breath, “Do you want to have The Talk?”

“Sure,” he replied without hesitation. “Let’s do it this weekend.”

Two weekends later, we still haven’t “Talked.” My Man and I are extremely close. We discuss everything, unabashedly. Yet when it comes to money, we keep tip-toeing around the topic.

What we’ve done is have a tepid conversation sprinkled with some tiny revelations. I threw out a vague number about how much I’m worth. He did the same. I mentioned something about diversifying my assets, but being heavy in cash. He, in turn, shared his disciplined approach to making retirement contributions. He even said he’s looking forward to seeing how I’ve invested. But we’ve both been reluctant to reveal specifics. I consider the conversation we had a good starter step. But why haven’t we ‘gone all the way?’

Truthfully, I’m mystified by my avoidance. All I have to do is take my latest financial statement out of the folder, hand it to him, and say “Here it is. Let’s talk,” and there’s no doubt in my mind, he’d do the same, in a heartbeat. But I haven’t.

Reminds me of the letter to Ann Landers from a woman who wanted to ask her boyfriend to help pay for her birth control, but didn’t feel she knew him well enough to ask!

I laughed when I first read that. Sure, it’s scary for most people to talk money. But I never put myself in that category!!! I mean, for the last 12 years I’ve been writing about money, consistently telling women: “It’s our secrecy and silence that keeps us stuck.”

Now, here I am, doing the secrecy-and-silence-thing… and I’m truly shocked. Is it because he’s so resistant? Or is that my projection? Does our mutual reluctance come from our disparity in income? Or is there a lot of old baggage weighing each of us down?

I think it’s time to walk my talk! Stay tuned. As always, your insight and advice is welcomed.

Barbara Stanny

The leading authority on women & money
[email protected]
www.barbarastanny.com

https://www.barbara-huson.com/inner-circle-join.html

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The Continuing Saga of Sharing Financial Statements – Part I

Written by Barbara Huson

It’s been several weeks since I asked for advice on the ‘right’ time to share financial statements with my boyfriend. Well you gave it to me!! And as a result, I had three big “Aha’s.”

1^st Aha: Clearly this subject touched a nerve. I was astounded by how many of you responded— by email, on my site, and in Facebook.
2^nd Aha: I’m still amazed at my reticence. I sent my boyfriend the blog, which stimulated an interesting discussion… but we have yet to “go all the way” (by sharing our statements).
3^rd Aha: I’m noticing how easy (and apropos) it is to use sexual metaphors when describing money discussions between couples. Hmmmmm… perhaps the subject for another blog?

As for your responses…

First, deep thanks to all who replied!! It was beyond fabulous to realize how many of you could relate to my dilemma.

What I found most fascinating, however, was the vast range of comments. They were all across the board— from one extreme; (“Say nothing!” and “It’s not his concern”), to the other; (“Never hold back anything” and “If you can’t come from a place of profound honesty, you’re not ready to make the commitment”). Several of you suggested drawing up an agreement with our respective lawyers, kind of like a prenuptial for live-ins. And quite a few of you remarked that the conversation about sharing expenses was far more important than sharing financial statements.

Without a doubt, the overwhelming majority were in the “full disclosure” camp, warning me that intimacy requires openness.

My favorite came from author Manisha Thakor, whose new book (due out this December) is aptly titled: Get Financially Naked: How to Talk Money with Your Honey. You gotta’ love that title!!! And it’s hard to argue with her premise.

“If you’re willing to take your clothes off together one way,” Manisha wrote, “you should be prepared to take them off financially speaking as well.” (This gives a lot of credence to my 3^rd aha!)

Her advice: “Go for it. Do the thing that these days is even more intimate than sex — talk about money together. Get the pink elephant of money out into the center of the room and demystify it. Otherwise, like termites eating away at the foundation of your relationship, little nagging doubts or questions about each others finances could end up destroying what is currently a beautiful home life.”

I agree with every word she says. Yet, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t open up and spill the whole can of beans to my boyfriend. Nor could he. But we did take a few baby steps… and I’ll share some of them with you in my next post.

Maybe, by then, I’ll figure out why neither of us were willing to “go all the way” yet.

Barbara Stanny

The leading authority on women & money
[email protected]
www.barbarastanny.com

https://www.barbara-huson.com/inner-circle-join.html

Twitter Barbara at: http://twitter.com/barbarastanny

Putting Some FUN Into Finances! Part II

Written by Barbara Huson

Join me in the inspiring tale of a woman (I’ll call her Jane) who discovered the stunning power of women joining with other women to take their financial lives higher.

I’ve never met Jane. But recently, she emailed me to say a good friend started an Overcoming Underearning® Book Club, and she became a member. Five women meet monthly, at 7:30am for “OU Power Breakfasts.” The group reads one financial book a month. I am proud to report the first was mine — Overcoming Underearning®. Next was On My Own Two Feet: A Modern Girl’s Guide to Personal Finance by Manisha Thakor and Sharon Kedar.

Here’s how the club works: “We have assignments for our breakfasts, like writing our Contracts with Ourselves and our Wish Lists to share with the group. We also share our successes in the group in person and via email. We often include some variation of “underearning is no longer an option!” in emails!

“I feel AMAZING afterwards. It gives me such a boost throughout the day, knowing that I had done something really great for myself and spent time with supportive, uplifting, inspiring friends before going to work.”
But the group gave Jane more than good feelings. It gave her guts.

“I have a job where I’ve done several extra assignments over the past few years,” she explained, “but have never gotten paid extra for them. I was initially told there was no extra compensation for them and I never asked again. I was happy for the exposure.”

After she turned in her latest extra assignment, however, her supervisor asked Jane to do more revisions. The request followed her first book club. Bolstered by the Power Breakfast, she refused to do more because she wasn’t getting compensated.

Guess what happened?

“My supervisor then said, ‘We can compensate you!’ and within a week all the email approvals had been done to process me getting paid.”

Like most people, she had just assumed a bad economy precluded any extra pay.

“In this climate of cost-cutting I initially did not think that this was going to be possible, but once I verbalized it I realized how much work I had done and that I deserved to get paid, and felt confident that I would. This was a turning point for me in terms of now getting compensated separately for the extra work I do within my company, outside of the responsibilities of my job.”

But the story doesn’t end there. Her credit card debt, once $10,000, “is now under $1,000 and I am very close to paying it off altogether, and when I do I’m going to have a party – I will invite you and if you’re in New York I would love to have you there!”

I’d love to come. There’s nothing more inspiring than being around women empowering other women. If you’ve had any successes with similar groups, I’d love to hear about them!!!

Barbara Stanny

The leading authority on women & money
[email protected]
www.barbarastanny.com

https://www.barbara-huson.com/inner-circle-join.html

Twitter Barbara at: http://twitter.com/barbarastanny

Putting Some FUN into Finances! Part I

Written by Barbara Huson

I remember, back in the 80’s — when I was struggling to understand money — I started an Investment Club.

Every month a group of about 12 friends got together, usually at my house. Someone brought treats, and we’d spend an hour or so discussing stocks… along with girl talk, gossip and romantic updates. It was a great way to put the Fun into finances while doing some serious learning. I really did learn a lot.

However, as I also learned, Investment Clubs can be complicated, time-consuming, and sometimes, contentious. They require co-mingling money, reaching a consensus on stock picking, and a serious time commitment, especially for the officers.

I’ve come to see there’s another— arguably better— way to combine socializing and studying. Financial Book Clubs. What makes them better? These clubs are less work and focus on far more than just investing.

I wrote an earlier blog on this topic… http://barbarastannyblog.com/page/7/ But I just got an email that brought it to mind again. (Emails make such great fodder for blogs!) I was inspired… and I thought you would be too.

In my next post I’ll tell you about; “One woman’s tale of Overcoming Underearning by joining a Financial Book Club”… stay tuned!

Barbara Stanny

The leading authority on women & money
[email protected]
www.barbarastanny.com

https://www.barbara-huson.com/inner-circle-join.html

Twitter Barbara at: http://twitter.com/barbarastanny

Is It Time To Share Financial Statements?

Written by Barbara Huson

I feel like I’m entering new territory here. I’m usually the one answering your questions. But now, I really need YOUR advice. I sincerely mean that. I’ve got a dilemma… and I’m not sure what to do, if anything.

As I vowed last month (http://barbarastannyblog.com/2009/07/17/the-retreat-to-), I am using this blog to be more authentic, especially around money. So here I am… revealing myself and requesting your help.

Here’s the situation. I’ve been dating My Man for a year and a half. We’re talking about moving in together. He’s definitely the love of my life, the person I want to grow old with, perfect for me in so many ways. We don’t want to get married. I’ve already done that twice (he, once), and we see no reason to do it again.

Here’s where I’m struggling. At what point do I have “THE TALK” with my boyfriend? Or do I even need to?

I’m referring to The Money Talk. You know, that point where I show him mine and he shows me his… networth, that is.

My income is decidedly more than his… which makes sense since he was laid off earlier this year and is starting a whole new career. While he’s never been a good saver, he’s a very frugal spender and quite responsible financially, with no credit card debt. Neither one of us have a problem with the fact that I have more money. But neither of us knows how much the other one has.

If we were getting married, it’d be a no-brainer. We’d be baring our bank statements before we ever traded “I-Do’s. ” But does co-habitating, when there’s no co-mingling of money, require the same financial transparency? I figure, if I’m wrestling with this, others must be also.

Talk to me people… this is a tough one for me. I need your feedback!

Barbara Stanny

The leading authority on women & money
[email protected]
www.barbarastanny.com

https://www.barbara-huson.com/inner-circle-join.html

Twitter Barbara at: http://twitter.com/barbarastanny

Saving Can Be Sexy!

Written by Barbara Huson

The Money/Happiness debate continues. Just today, USAToday http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-08-05-happiness-apa-money_N.htm asked the age old question, yet again: Does money bring happiness? Well, I’m here to resolve this issue, once and for all! (drum roll, please).

Money does NOT make you happier. But poverty doesn’t either. What DOES make you happier?: taking control of your money, instead of allowing your money to control you!

Let me give you an example. Here was a woman (a successful attorney), who for the last three years, felt helpless, hopeless, and (obviously) very unhappy as her life, and her debt, spiraled out of control.

Then, last month, she called me for coaching. We’ve only had 3 sessions so far. And most of our time was spent dealing with her resistance (“I’m NOT going to change my lifestyle,” she told me firmly) and getting her out of denial (“OMG, I’m spending way more than I earn!!”).

Finally, last week, she sprang into action. I share her latest email with you because its proof positive how much happier life can be when you take charge of your finances.

“I have been working diligently to shave my monthly expenses and I am having a blast!” she wrote.

Of course, it wasn’t easy, she admits. “One thing I will say: it’s a lot of work and takes a lot of discipline to save money, and was much easier to stay in debt – which is how the system is designed. But I like the power I feel now much better. Saving money is actually making me feel very sexy, and probably the sexiest thing I have ever done!”

You’ve got to admit—she’s one happy camper!!! How did she do it? With this 7 Step Formula. She:

Opened a savings account: “$10 per month is automatically transferred from checking,”
Cut spending: “I shaved $1400 from my monthly expenses.”
Stopped using cards, even her debit card: “I was using my debit card the way people use their credit cards and it was getting me into trouble. I cut it up.”
Negotiated with creditors: “I am working liking crazy with my credit card companies” to decrease rates.
Created a spending plan: “I figured out how much money I needed this month by category and have gotten out the appropriate amount of cash, put paper clips and sticky notes to each allotted amount, and that is all I can spend.”
Stuck to her budget no matter what, even during a major move: “In the past I would have just gotten out my credit card, charged the move and said I would deal with it later. Now I am planning, looking at all of the expenses and figuring out the best steps and ways to save money.”
Followed the coincidences (which always occur when you start taking charge): “On top of this, I just landed a HUGE new client in Santa Fe, NM – out of the blue, of course.”

Ultimately, this woman created her own happiness by making 2 crucial changes: she changed her behavior along with her attitude.

Getting out of debt, she told me, has become “such a fun game. It’s amazing to see where my money goes! Wow – to be conscious is incredible. Thanks Barbara – I am loving this!”

Don’t YOU want what she’s having??

Barbara Stanny

The leading authority on women & money
[email protected]
www.barbarastanny.com

https://www.barbara-huson.com/inner-circle-join.html

Twitter Barbara at: http://twitter.com/barbarastanny

More on Greatness… and Fear!

Written by Barbara Huson

Inspired by those “Life is Good” t-shirts, I’m launching a new campaign. And I invite you to join me. I’m calling it: “Fear is Good”.

As I see it, Fear has gotten a bum rap and a bad rep. Maybe it’s leftover from our Neanderthal heritage, when hungry predators were a constant hazard.

But times have changed. And so has fear’s function. Problem is, few of us have figured that out. We feel the fear, and either freeze or take flight. We don’t realize that, in modern times, Fear is rarely a sign that our survival is being threatened.

These days, the only survival being threatened is usually our egos. Fear has a new purpose now — to warn us of approaching Greatness. And as I’m personally discovering, we’re as afraid of our Greatness as our ancestors were of carnivorous beasts… maybe more.

So, I’m on a crusade to change that. It’s a fact… Fear is the clearest signal we will get that we’re on the precipice of greater success, greater happiness, greater impact.

Imagine if more of us finally realized that Fear is nothing to fear. Quite the opposite. Fear is Good. Imagine if every time we got scared, instead of freaking out, we gave each other a big high-five and exclaimed: “YES! We’re on our way to Greatness.”

As for my Fear is Good campaign, our motto is: Fear is My Friend. And there’s only one requirement for membership. Every time you get scared, you shout, at the top of your lungs: “I go where I fear!” And off you go… in the direction of your fear, in search of your Greatness.

Fear is every high-achiever’s best friend. Fear, especially for women, is often a prelude to financial success. Fear is a cosmic finger pointing the way to victory. Fear is Good! Can I sign you up?

Barbara Stanny

The leading authority on women & money
[email protected]
www.barbarastanny.com

https://www.barbara-huson.com/inner-circle-join.html

Twitter Barbara at: http://twitter.com/barbarastanny

The $100 Savings Challange

Written by Barbara Huson

Just as the cherry blossoms were bursting into bloom, Obama was issuing instructions to his cabinet: cut $100 million from the budget. Three months later, mission accomplished — $102 million in expenses had been slashed.

When I read this in the Wall Street Journal, http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124882436513388423.html, my immediate reaction: “Why hasn’t the media made more of this fact?” We hear, ad nauseum, about the stimulus (read: spending) packages, dragging the nation deeper into debt. But what about these recent efforts to save money? Now, in my mind, that’s news!!

Granted, that $102 billion is a microscopic portion of the general deficit, 0.0006%. But the real story is how quickly and seamlessly government made those cuts… and the public never even felt the pinch. If a giant bureaucracy can do that, certainly each one of us can too.

Washington called this program “The $100 Million Savings Challenge.” Imagine if you began your own “$100 (you determine the zero’s) Savings Challenge?” Imagine if you started today, right now, shaving small amounts from your spending every month. Then imagine if you took it one step further, and stashed the savings in the bank. Imagine what that would do for your personal fortune!

There is a saying; “It’s easier to find 500 ways to save $1, than one way to save $500“. That’s exactly what these government heads did: found all kinds of ways to trim small amounts. For example, making double-sided photocopies, emailing documents instead of printing them, cutting unused phone lines. Small. Simple. Painless. Very effective.

I’ve always said, small steps consistently taken create remarkable results. Now what about you? What teeny-tiny cuts can you begin making right now? I’d love to hear your ideas.

Barbara Stanny

The leading authority on women & money
[email protected]
www.barbarastanny.com

https://www.barbara-huson.com/inner-circle-join.html

Twitter Barbara at: http://twitter.com/barbarastanny

6 Things To Do Before Your Spouse Dies – Part 1

Written by Barbara Huson

I heard from a woman whose husband was just diagnosed with terminal cancer. Her question to me: What should a woman do before her husband dies?

My heart went out to her, along with my admiration. Instead of going into denial, she went into action. Death is not easy to talk about, let alone prepare for. What would you do in her situation? After all, most women will face a similar dilemma at some point.

I’ll never forget, when my father got ill, I went to my mother. “Do you know what Daddy has planned for you when he dies?” I asked.

“Oh yes,” she replied quickly, but when I pressed her for details, she couldn’t tell me. She also made it abundantly clear: this was not a conversation she wanted to have. I made it even clearer: avoidance was not an option. Here’s what we did:

1. We had “the talk.” I had my Mom sit down with my Dad and we looked at all the financial documents: bank statements, investments, estate planning, etc. This was not, by any means, an easy conversation. Dealing with death is emotionally excruciating, at least it was for us. Nerves were frayed. My Mom glazed over. My Dad lost patience. I kept scratching my wrist (a nervous habit) until it bled. But by the end, my Mom knew where every penny was and what arrangements he had made… and hadn’t made.

2. We assembled “ the team.” My Dad was very much a do-it-yourselfer. I wanted my Mom to have her own team of professionals to support and guide her (during and after). First on our list was to hire an estate lawyer… we found one (through my sister). Mom, my sisters and I met with him first, brought in my father, and together my parents created a very good, tax efficient estate plan… which my Mom not only understood, but had a big role in creating.

3. We updated documents. We made sure the Will, Power of Attorney, EVERYTHING reflected their latest info and current wishes.

As I said, not an easy process. Sadly, many of us will go through this. But being prepared, financially, will make it a little easier.

In my next post, I’ll list the final 3 steps you need to take, to prepare yourself. Stay tuned.

Barbara Stanny

The leading authority on women & money
[email protected]
www.barbarastanny.com

https://www.barbara-huson.com/inner-circle-join.html

Twitter Barbara at: http://twitter.com/barbarastanny

6 Things To Do Before Your Spouse Dies – Part 2

Written by Barbara Huson

As I mentioned in my Part-1 blog on this difficult topic several days ago; I had heard from a woman whose husband was just diagnosed with terminal cancer. Her question to me: “What should a woman do before her husband dies”?

Her question caused me to recall the agony my mother and I went through when my father became ill, forcing us to make difficult decisions and plans at an already difficult time.

In Part-1, I outlined steps 1 through 3. Here I’ll finish the series, with steps 4 through 6:

4. We envisioned a future without Dad. My mom started thinking about living single: how much money she’d need to live on (a lot… she wasn’t going to work nor did she have to, but she did like to spend), how she wanted her money invested (very conservatively), and who would assist her with this. The whole family helped her find an investment advisor (we interviewed 3). She also hired a CPA – after a while, it became clear he wasn’t a good fit, so she recently hired someone else. She meets with her “team” on a regular basis to this day.

5. We had regular family meetings. These meetings, though often emotional, were absolutely wonderful in getting everyone on the same page while Dad was still alive. Meetings included my sisters, spouses, and all the grandchildren (we eventually had great grandkids crawling around too). My Dad let everyone know what his wishes were, especially for philanthropy, and enrolled the whole family to the board of his foundation. These meetings drew us closer in many ways.

6. Mom talked to friends. She’d had several friends who lost their husband’s, so she talked to them at length. They gave her great advice which really helped her see life goes on, happily so.

Having done these things, by the time my father died, all my mother had to do was grieve. Every detail was in order. There were no surprises. All papers signed. All major decisions made. Her team was in place. Practically speaking, his passing was seamless.

Barbara Stanny

The leading authority on women & money
[email protected]
www.barbarastanny.com

https://www.barbara-huson.com/inner-circle-join.html

Twitter Barbara at: http://twitter.com/barbarastanny

Putting Some FUN Into Finances! Part II

Putting Some FUN into Finances! Part I

Is It Time To Share Financial Statements?

Saving Can Be Sexy!

More on Greatness… and Fear!

The $100 Savings Challange

6 Things To Do Before Your Spouse Dies – Part 1

6 Things To Do Before Your Spouse Dies – Part 2

Meet Barbara Huson

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