The Real Reason You Self-Sabotage

Written by Barbara Huson

Think about it. Aren’t all acts of self-sabotage really misguided attempts at self-protection? Though very few see it that way.

Countless women come to me, chiding themselves unmercifully for sabotaging their success by making foolish decisions. Maybe you’ve done it too.

Spending more than you have. Avoiding what you know is important. Deferring decisions to another. Giving generously while depriving yourself.

Most of my adulthood was one giant act of financial self-sabotage. I avoided anything to do with money, giving my husband control, while I spent freely and gave generously.

Even after my divorce, I continued to ignore money. Until I got tax bills for over a million dollars…for back taxes my ex didn’t pay, illegal deals he got us in.

I was furious at my ex, who quickly left the country. Furious at my dad, who wouldn’t lend me the money. But most of all, furious at myself for being so irresponsible.

FIRE!!!!

Written by Barbara Huson

My family have all been affected by the wildfires. As I write, I look out the window and cannot see the mountains through the heavy layer of smoke from distant fires.

For my children in California and Oregon, the fires are dangerously close by.

My daughter Julie and her 3 year-old were packed to evacuate, as fires raged 4 blocks from her house. I sat by the phone, hysterically waiting.

Hours later, a miracle occurred. The winds suddenly changed direction. Her home was saved. But the neighboring towns were demolished.

Disaster seems to be the theme for this year. But, according to the Chinese, the word for crisis consist of two characters, one for risk, another for opportunity. And I wonder…

Could these disasters actually be opportunities for growth and transformation?

Clearly, a new normal is emerging. Life as we know it will never be the same. Perhaps the pandemic, the riots, the natural calamities and whatever else may befall us, are in truth, a wake-up call from our Soul with an urgent message:

Stop what you’re doing. Pay attention. The world is changing. In order to thrive, you must change too.

Is Money Your Drug of Choice?

Written by Barbara Huson

How often do we use money, like Novocain, to numb the pain in our lives or the pressures at work? Instead of making things better, spending just gets us deeper into trouble.

Yet we justify our shopping sprees with thoughts like, “I’m going through a divorce. I deserve this,” or “I hate my job. At least I can enjoy my life.”

The real problem: we’re not honest with ourselves. Our denial produces considerable debt.

Getting out of denial is a prerequisite for prosperity. Credit card debt is insidious, but not insurmountable.

Making minimum payments can take 30 years or more to pay off (because 75 percent of what you pay goes toward the accumulating interest).

However, I’ve interviewed hundreds of women who have risen from the ashes of their once reckless spending. They did so by taking a series of steps:

They sought help (a book*, counselor, or support group like Debtors Anonymous)
They stopped using credit cards (no exceptions, no excuses)
They lowered their interest payments (negotiating with creditors or transferring the balance to a lowered interest card)
They got crystal clear on their expenses (writing down everything they spent)
They stopped overspending (by putting their expenses into categories, they saw where to Shave and Save)
They followed a plan to pay down their debt (www.nfcc.org can help)

What are you doing to get out of both denial and debt? Share here.

*I highly recommend How to Get Out of Debt, Stay Out of Debt & Live Prosperously by Jerrod Mundis (based on the principles of DA)

Beware of Always Wanting More

Written by Barbara Huson

I’ve spent most of my life yearning for more…more money, more success, more sales, the list goes on.

I proudly considered my perpetual wanting a healthy sign of a robust ambition. Until I began studying neuroscience and realized how truly unhealthy this kind of thinking actually is.

Here’s why: We literally sculpt our brain by what we dwell on. The more we think a thought or feel an emotion, the stronger that neuropathway becomes in our brain.

By constantly hungering for more, I was inadvertently telling my brain “I don’t have enough.”

The more I repeated that thought, the stronger the “not enough” neuropathway grew, until I’d unconsciously do things that kept reinforcing my experience of ‘not enough.’

Slowly it dawned on me. How can I expect more, if I was repeatedly focused on what I had not yet attained? Clearly, I needed to shift my focus to rewire my brain.

I decided to experiment. Every time I felt myself coveting anything, I stopped, took note and shifted into appreciation for what I currently had.

Say Thank-You to the Naysayers

Written by Barbara Huson

I have a theory. Each of us has a Patron Saint of Risk. Every time you dare do something different—make more money, write a book, start a business—this benevolent cosmic being sends a flock of angels (disguised as negative people) to tell you what a dumb idea it is.

These naysayers serve a very important function. They come to test your level of commitment. If you notice, the more tentative you feel, the more pessimistic they sound.

If they succeed in discouraging you, be grateful. Deep down, you just didn’t have the moxie to make it work.

If on the other hand, you are determined to proceed despite the pessimists, you’re sure to succeed. Commitment is what keeps you going despite rejection, disappointment or failure.

In fact, to someone committed, failure doesn’t exist. It’s simply one more thing that didn’t work.

What’s frustrating, however, is when you vow to accomplish something but to no avail. Projects fall apart. People renege on promises. Opportunities dry up. Your enthusiasm wanes. What then?

This may be a sign you’re on the wrong track. When you’re attempting something at odds with your authentic desires, your resolve will fizzle at the first hurdle.

A few years back, I was determined to learn to ride a motorcycle. My husband, a Harley fanatic, has two in our garage. Wouldn’t it be cool if I could ride one alongside him?

But when I took a tumble on the first day of motorcycle class, that was it. Clearly I wasn’t committed. I was quite happy to ride on the back of my hubby’s bike, thank you very much.

When you find yourself perpetually thwarted with a project you’ve tackled, here’s my advice. Instead of beating yourself up or struggling mightily to make it work, step back and dig deeper.

Is this something I want so badly that I’m willing to fall down repeatedly until I finally succeed? Is this my soul’s yearning or simply an arbitrary ‘should’ I put on myself?

As D.H. Lawrence once advised: “If it doesn’t absorb you, if it isn’t fun, don’t do it!” Amen to that!

Check in with yourself—are there any projects in your life you should release? Leave me a comment below.

National Women’s (semi)Equality Day

Written by Barbara Huson

Today is National Women’s Equality Day. Exactly 100 years ago the 19th amendment was passed, giving women the right to vote.

Honestly, I know I should be celebrating this victory. But I’m having a hard time getting in the mood.

Hey, don’t get me wrong. I’m beyond grateful to those gutsy, courageous suffragettes.

But in the last few days, I listened to a Ted Talk by one of my favorite actresses, read a WSJ profile of an acclaimed microbiologist and coached a high level executive…all of whom wearily spoke of their struggles with sexism.

Clearly full equality is far from won. The Equal Rights Amendment, proposed in 1923, has yet to be ratified. Face it, we can’t rely on the government to level the playing field for us.

If we want a seat at the table, it’s our job to take it. We can start by becoming the change we want to see in the world.

The Power of Letting Go

Written by Barbara Huson

A long ago memory came to mind today. I was living in Kansas City, raising two little girls, running a thriving career counseling firm. Business was hopping, but I wasn’t happy. I was longing to live near water and write.

Huh??? I’d never written anything. And there was no water in KC (at least none that I’d want to live near!). Why would I give up a flourishing business, uproot my kids, leave behind a network of friends and reliable babysitters?

Are You Really Playing Full Out?

Written by Barbara Huson

In work, as in life, there are only 2 games you can play. One is To Win. The other is Not To Lose.

Which one are you playing? (Be honest, now!)

In order Not to Lose, you must focus on playing it safe. That means looking good, staying comfortable, avoiding anything that could possibly be scary, awkward, embarrassing or (gasp!) lead to failure.

To Win, you must play full out. That means once you start, you just keep going as far as you can with all that you’ve got. And when you fall down, you get back up and keep going.

Problem is, it can be tough to tell which game you’re playing. There are times when I swear I’m giving my all, but later it hits me. I was fooling myself by holding back (even just a tiny bit means I’m playing it safe).

I devised the following list to help assess if you’re really playing to win. 5 Signs I’m Playing Full Out (check what applies to you).

I know what I want and am committed to getting it. (And if I don’t know, I devote time and energy to figuring it out).
I’m so focused on my vision that I don’t get distracted (at least not for long) by irrelevant, draining, or conflicting tasks.
I’m willing to experience whatever it takes—defeat, discomfort, even humiliation—to achieve what I want.
I don’t say ‘yes’ when I really want to say ‘no,’ even if it means upsetting another.
Every time I’m afraid to do something, I force myself to do it anyway. (And I catch myself when I justify not doing it.)

I’d love to know: How many did you check? Is there anything you’d add to this list? Leave me a comment below.

I Know What To Do! So Why Don’t I Do It????

Written by Barbara Huson

Could this be you? You’ve read a ton about investing, attended some classes. You understand stocks, bonds, and the value of diversification. You own a few funds in your retirement account.

Still, you continue to ignore or neglect your money, even though you know better. Why?

Blame it on traditional financial education…where the emphasis is on filling your head with facts rather than fostering your courage to change.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever been given the tools to boost Self-Efficacy, the most powerful predictor of financial well-being. (I didn’t think so.)

Self-Efficacy—a concept developed by the Stanford psychologist Albert Bandera—is a person’s belief in their ability to succeed in a given task or goal.

Don’t Even Try to Have It All Figured Out!

Written by Barbara Huson

Guess what the biggest roadblock is to your success? Those devilish how-tos. You know, thinking you have to have it all figured before you begin. Because that’s exactly what slows you down, or keeps you stuck

Those who have the most trouble thinking bigger are the ones who have to know exactly how they’re going do it. And if they can’t figure it out, they lower their sights.

I was in this category most of my life…until I interviewed six-figure women.

I learned from them a three-step plan.

Set a goal.
Commit to reach it (without knowing exactly how).
And grab hold of any unexpected opportunities that fall in your lap.

The second step is where the power is. Commitment, like a magnet, attracts coincidences. I always say, once you commit to a goal, if you’re not experiencing coincidences, go back to the drawing board. You’re obviously not totally committed.

That’s the way it happened for me. In 2008, I decided to earn $125,000. When I told my now ex-husband, he burst out laughing. I did too. It sounded ridiculous coming from a chronic underearner.

I had no idea how I was going to do it. But as I learned from the women I was interviewing, I didn’t need to have a full blown plan in place.

I just needed to take advantage of synchronicities. Of course, coincidences always lay just outside our comfort zone.

Here is the real secret to success: let go of control and do what comes next, especially if you’re scared to death to do it.

What are you scared to death to do? Leave me a comment below!

Life Lessons

The Real Reason You Self-Sabotage

FIRE!!!!

Is Money Your Drug of Choice?

Beware of Always Wanting More

Say Thank-You to the Naysayers

National Women’s (semi)Equality Day

The Power of Letting Go

Are You Really Playing Full Out?

I Know What To Do! So Why Don’t I Do It????

Don’t Even Try to Have It All Figured Out!

Meet Barbara Huson

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