We all have our internal critics. The ones that tell us what we can’t possibly do.
Those voices may never shut up.
But just because you hear voices in your head, doesn’t mean you have to follow them.
As Vincent Van Gogh once said: “If you hear a voice within you say ‘you can not paint,’ by all means paint and the voice will be silenced.”
Indeed, keep reminding yourself: “that’s not my voice.” It’s the voice of a parent, the culture, teachers, friends, something ‘out there.’ But it isn’t mine.
She sat across the table, looking every bit the savvy businesswoman that she was.
As we chatted over kale salads, she told me how her company, not yet two years old, was growing exponentially.
Then she lowered her voice and leaned in close. “There’s something I need to talk about. I’ve never shared this with anyone.”
“What is it?” I asked, also leaning forward, our foreheads almost touching. I could tell this was difficult for her.
“I’m afraid of success. I can already see little ways I’m holding myself back.”
“Tell me what you’re scared of.”
“I’m afraid people won’t like me,” she began slowly, then quickly added, “I’m afraid people will want more of me than I can give them. I’m so busy now, I’m afraid I’ll have no time for myself. I’m scared it will all be too much.”
“You’re not afraid of success,” I responded. “You’re afraid of power. There’s a definite difference.”
I share this conversation with you because I believe it reveals a critical distinction that we women need to understand. Let me explain.
The Bag Lady Syndrome is alive and well. In the latest Allianz Women, Money, and Power Study (2013), almost half the women polled are scared of becoming a bag lady –even those earning more than $200,000 per year. Why do so many bright, capable, and…yes…successful women continue to struggle with financial insecurity? Why do you?
The answer, I believe, has nothing to do with money…and everything to do with our fear of (or ambivalence about) power.
Phyllis Chesler wrote in her groundbreaking book, Women, Money, and Power: “Money is a power sacred to most men and foreign to most women.” These words written over 30 years ago, still hold true today.
The problem, as I see it, is this: We’ve never been taught the secret wisdom of creating wealth and exercising power, as women. Studies reveal that the sexes view money and power through very different lenses.
Generally speaking, a man’s self-esteem comes from his achievements; power itself is the ultimate goal. A woman derives self esteem from relationships; power is a means to an end.
So while men covet the cachet of the corner office, women crave the opportunity to help others, grow personally, and live authentically.
The word ‘power,’ which comes from the Latin word, potere (‘to be able’) means the “ability to act or produce an effect.” The definition applies to both genders.
But as it relates to women, I much prefer to define power using the words of psychologist Eric Fromm: “The main task in life is to give birth to our self to become what we actually are.”
When you view power from that perspective, you begin to understand our resistance more clearly. Essentially, our fear of power is our fear of becoming who we really are, doing what we were put here to do, in the biggest way possible.
This fear keeps us settling for less instead of asking for more, shrinking to fit rather than playing full out, clinging to safety to avoid taking the leap.
This is precisely the reason I developed my new body of work, Sacred Success®. Rather than pushing women to pursue power in traditional fashion, Sacred Success® seeks to redefine power from a feminine perspective.
I’ll be exploring this whole issue of women and power in future blogs. Meanwhile, I’d love your feedback: How would you redefine power? Or would you?
“Insecure people can be vicious.”—A Course in Miracles
What began as an angry outburst ended with a stunning revelation.
My Man and I were watching Law & Order on TV. There was one scene where 4 female detectives were chasing down the bad guys, about to solve the case.
And My Man, who is utterly supportive of me, says: “Hey, how come it’s all women on screen? Are there any men in this show?”
I was aghast. “I don’t believe you just said that,” I exclaimed, smoke coming out my nostrils.
Was My Man a closet chauvinist? He clearly didn’t like watching all these women in power. I had never seen this side of him before.
I was pissed. He had no idea why.
I tried to explain his comment was yet another example of women being marginalized, minimized by men. Something I’ve lived with my whole life. Something I’ve been working so hard to change. Something that’s caused me a lot of pain.
He fell silent for a few minutes, quietly pondering his reaction. I never expected what he said next. I know, for a fact, he didn’t either.
“I don’t have a problem with powerful women,” he explained softly. “The problem is that if women get too much power, men will have too little. Then there’s no place left for a man to be a man.”
We were both quiet for a bit (stunned may be the better word), then he continued. “I’m afraid if it’s not a man’s world, I’ll be playing the previous role women had, a diminished role. I don’t want to be in a diminished role.”
At that moment, I felt My Man could be speaking for millions of others. Behind his dismissive remark was a deep insecurity, albeit unconscious.
Suddenly my anger at chauvinism morphed into compassion for males. How many other men are threatened by powerful women, as if there’s only so much power to go around?
Believe me, I’m not making excuses for misogyny or gender discrimination. But this little tiff got me thinking.
I’ve been so focused on empowering women. Perhaps it’s time to educate our men. Clearly, they’re as afraid of our power as we are.
Men need to know we’re not seeking domination. That’s not how we work. We genuinely want partnership. We want to share power, not usurp it.
I’ll tell you one thing…my little outburst has led to some fascinating discussions. I’d love your comments. Have you ever had a similar experience with men in your life?
“We are still trying to overcome the fear that power and womanliness
are mutually exclusive.” Arianna Huffington
Q. Why do so many women have trouble with money? (Hint: it has nothing to do with money.)
A. It’s about power…or rather, our fear of power.
Here’s the problem. Most of us have never been taught the secret wisdom of achieving wealth and wielding power, as a woman. In fact, historically, women have been carefully conditioned to avoid power as a survival mechanism. As a psychologist once told me: “Powerful women have been burned at the stake.”
Admittedly, many women have attained economic success in the male system, but it usually came at an appalling price. In 2003, New York Times reporter Lisa Belkin sparked a media frenzy when she coined the phrase “the opt-out revolution” to describe the flood of women exiting the workforce. They were no longer willing to stay in a system that rewarded the sacrifice of self for the sake of success.
But what the media defined as women opting out, I believe was, in large part, women waking up. They were beginning to question the status quo, realizing there must be a way to stay true to themselves and still be well compensated, without selling their souls or sacrificing their values.
For centuries women have come together to trade recipes and remedies, share tips on catching a man or raising a child—but there is little, if any, collective wisdom for wealth and power.
4 years ago, I began interviewing Mega Earners, women worth millions. What I learned changed my life. These women were playing a very different game than the one society models, with very different rules. I call this game Sacred Success™. And I’m determined to teach this game to as many women as I can.
Consider this blog my personal invitation to join me for one of my Sacred Success Retreats. The Retreats are meant to be part of an ongoing tradition of women sharing their wisdom, with a new breed of role models who’ve achieved unprecedented success on their own terms, in a very different way than men have been doing it for centuries.
Won’t you join me? Click here for more information or to register.
